


Earth

by kawiikitkat



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Protective Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-05-28 07:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15043430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawiikitkat/pseuds/kawiikitkat
Summary: Fault lines tremble underneath my glass house. But I put it out of my mind long enough to call it courage to live without a lifeline.After the events of Infinity War, Tony Stark and Nebula travel to Wakanda to meet up with the rest of the Avengers. Tony is nervous to see the member he hasn't had contact with for almost 2 years. However, things go surprisingly smooth and they soon start planning their way to Thanos and the Infinity Stones. After several hours of talking, they call it a night. But Tony knows that he isn't going to sleep tonight.





	Earth

**Author's Note:**

> *This contains Infinity War spoilers, references to past abuse, and descriptions of panic attacks.*
> 
> The title and summary are from the song Earth from sleeping at last.

The sky was littered with glowing stars, shining their light against the deep purple backdrop of the Wakanda sky. Sometimes they even winked at him, their light flickering like little flames. And their reflection in Tony's eyes from below winked back. From his point of view, Tony counted 24 stars. And if he turned his head, he could keep counting. _24, 25, 26..._

He let out a heavy, tired sigh. Tony was exhausted, but he knew that he wouldn't get any sleep tonight. Or maybe any night from now on. He just wanted to head back to one of the rooms that Shuri allowed the Avengers to spend the night in. He wanted to shut his eyes tight and go to sleep. To forget all the events of today. To make it seem like a bad dream and nothing more.

But he couldn't. They were gone. And unless he did something about it, they would stay gone.

But he couldn't do anything. He had no ideas or plans. He didn't feel like the intelligent and extravagant Tony Stark who always had a mission and went through with it until it was done. He felt like the little boy who cried alone in his room because his father had called him a "disappointment" and a "failure". The little boy who would stay up all night to create something new to impress his father, only to have it thrown in the trash the next day.

Tony wanted to cry. He wanted to sob all the guilt and shame and anxiety away till he was dry and empty. But all he did was sniff away a few tears as he gripped the railing of the balcony till his knuckles turned white. He was so busy trying to keep himself from making any noise that he didn't notice the sound of boots against the floor behind him. 

"I hope I'm not intruding on your alone time, Stark." It was Steve, his husky voice lingering heavily in the night air. Startled, Tony swiftly turned around to face the bearded man.

"Um- yeah, I mean no! No, you're not intruding on anything." Steve gave a light chuckle at Tony's panicked response.

"I was just...thinking...about stuff."

"I assumed that's why you'd be out here. Don't worry, I can't sleep either." Steve walked up to a spot next to Tony and leaned against the railing. He peered up at the sky thoughtfully.

"Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Tony breathed. Before now, everything seemed stiff and painfully real to him. Like someone was forcing him to breath air that he couldn't. But now, everything was tranquil. The cool air brushed against his exposed arms and face.

"I'm sorry." Steve voice took Tony out of his trance. He looked at Cap, confused. "I'm sorry about all the people you lost. I didn't want to bring it up earlier since everyone's still devastated about it. But if you ever want to talk about _anything,_ I'm here."

Steve was looking at him with big pale blue eyes, the forming tears shining in the moonlight. Tony thought he looked beautiful. After all these years of being closed off from each other and keeping secrets, he wanted nothing more than to open up. Right now, at this moment, he wanted to pour out all his thoughts and secrets and lies. He wanted to drown in Steve's arms and let the rest of the world turn to dust.

"Thank you, Steve. Really, that means...so much." He couldn't help it. Big tears fell down his cheeks. He covered his face in his hands. His breathing was unsteady and raspy. All he felt in those moments were Steve's strong arms pulling him into an embrace.

Steve whispered comforting words as he rubbed deep circles into Tony's back. The smaller man continued to cry into his chest. After what felt like a year, Tony quieted down and let go of Steve's body. He was slightly embarrassed of having just cried directly into a man he hasn't seen in years, but it felt good to put down his walls and be open about his emotions. 

"It's getting pretty late, you ready to go to sleep or do you still want to stay out here?" Steve asked. Tony still doubted that he would be able to rest, but maybe now he wouldn't be too focused on Thanos and the Infinity Stones.

"I'm ready to hit the hay." Tony replied. They both walked down the hallway until they reached two unoccupied rooms that were next to each other.

"Night, Cap."

Steve hesitated before opening his door. "Hey, Tony. If you're still having trouble sleeping, just know that I'm next door if you still want to talk."

Tony smiled thankfully and nodded. After Cap said his goodnights, he entered his room and shut the door behind him. He crawled into bed, drained of energy. Yet, his mind kept wandering off to dark places. Even when he forced himself to block the recent memories out, they came back. He tossed and turned in his sleep, unable to get a grip on reality. Painful questions formed in his head 

_What if he couldn't save them? What if the rest of the Avengers died trying to get the stones back? How would he live with the guilt and loneliness of losing the people he truely cared about? What would his dad think of him?_

It made him feel sick and weak. Tony curled up into a ball on his bed, trying not to let out a sob. He stayed in that position for a while until he remembered what Steve had said earlier.

He got up from his bed, walked out of his room, and headed next door. Self-conscious about making any abrupt noises and waking up anybody in the nearby rooms, Tony knocked quietly on Steve's door. Shuffling feet could be heard from inside.

Steve stood in the doorway wearing only sweatpants. His hair was slightly askew and his eyes were droopy, probably since he was already asleep before Tony woke him up, which made Tony feel a little guilty. But it was soon replaced with relief when Steve gave him a comforting and sleepy smile.

Another thing Tony noticed about Steve was his chest. And yes, they hadn't seen each other in almost 2 years, but it was almost baffling how much each of them had changed. Tony, who was still suffering from his anxiety and depression, was smaller and more frail than before after not being able to get proper sleep and exercise.

Steve on the other hand was huge. And it was a little odd that that was one of the first things that Tony noticed about him, but who could blame him. He just couldn't help but stare for a bit as Steve stood there, shirtless, with a sweet smile on his bearded face. And maybe he was staring for a bit too long because Steve's expression changed to concerned as he looked at Tony's blank face.

"Uh, Tony?" Steve smirked.

"Oh shit-! S-sorry! I was just, uh- well you said I could come by if I couldn't sleep. So I...um...y'know." Smooth, Tony. Real smooth.

Steve laughed the awkward situation away and moved out of the doorway to let Tony inside his room. It looked just like his, except it had a sort of Steve "touch" to it. Everything was a bit cleaner and arranged in a sort of way that Steve would prefer. Tony found it strange that he would notice this minor detail, but he figured it was just the fact that they were so used to each other's behaviors when Steve was still around.

"Y'know what, Tony? I've really missed having you around." Steve turned to look at the brunette who wore an astonished look on his face. "I'm serious!"

"Really? I would have thought that you were sick of my sarcasm and egotistical bullshit." Tony quipped. The reply had a bittersweet tone to it.

"First of all, watch your language." Tony couldn't help but genuinely laugh. "And second of all, yes, I miss your stupid sarcasm, too. You were always so funny! Even during our missions, you cracked jokes. And at the time I found them annoying and distracting, but now... I'm starting to realize that I never took time to appreciate the little things."

"I guess it's just how I coped with stuff back then. I would tell dumb jokes just so I could get a quick laugh from it, and it did help me for a while. But after what happened in New York... I couldn't deal with it. It took a real toll on me, Steve. I pushed people away, people I really cared about. Rhodey, Pepper, Harley...you." Tony stared at Steve, desperation in his eyes.

"And when you left...", Tony continued. "I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was the lowest point in my life. And, of course, Rhodey and Pepper were always there to help, but things didn't get any better. I just needed..." He let out a shaky sigh. "I just needed you, Steve."

Tony's breaths were getting shaky and he was worried that he might start crying again. But he continued talking. It was like he couldn't stop himself from pouring out everything he had been hiding for so long.

"I- I thought I was crazy, 'cause you hurt me and I should have been mad at you! But Pepper and I took a break, and Rhodey had to deal with his paralysis, and Clint and Nat were mad at me, and...I realized that you were all I had left. I was alone. So, so _alone."_

Tears poured from his eyes. His uneven breathing caused him to choke and cough. His mind was fuzzy. His body was quivering from the cries. Tony had panic attacks before, but now he felt like he was dying. He wanted to mentally reach out and grasp something that wasn't pain. Instead, Steve reached out to him, embracing him in his arms.

"I'm here, Tony. I'm right here." Steve held the shaking man against his chest, stroking his back. "Just breathe, okay. I need you to follow my breathing." He let go of Tony and made eye contact with him, even though Tony refused to look at him. His eyes darted directly to the floor, still welling up with tears. Steve cupped his chin and tilted his head up to meet Tony's gaze. Tony froze, staring deeply into Steve's bright blue eyes. His breathing was still shaking, but they were more calm than before. It took a while for his breathing to sync up with Steve's, but once it did, Steve let his hand drop from Tony's face. 

"Okay...huh. I'm okay." Tony huffed. His hands were still shaking a bit. Steve noticed this and locked his hands with Tony's, relaxing him.

"Sit down, Tones. It's alright." Steve led Tony to the edge of the bed, where they both sat down. Steve was still holding Tony's hand. Tony then realized how close they were sitting together. Steve's shoulder pressed up against his own. Their hands, interlocked, sat between their thighs. It was quiet in the room. The only noise was Tony's breathing trying to copy Steve's. It sent a chill down his spine.

Tony was already filled with adrenaline from all the heavy breathing, but now, as he looked at Steve and took in all his mesmerizing features, he could feel his heart beating faster again. He swallowed. He tried to keep himself steady as he leaned in and met Steve's lips with his own.

The kiss was short and awkward, but sweet. Steve didn't even have time to react. His muscular body was frozen. His mouth was only slightly parted from the surprise. After only a few seconds, Tony pulled away. Embarrassment and regret was written all over him. He could feel his breathing become uneasy again.

"I-I'm sorry. Sorry. I should just- ah..." Tony was already standing up, but Steve tugged at his sleeve.

"No, Tony. It's alright. Don't leave yet, please."

Tony stopped. He felt Steve grip his left arm and he flinched. He didn't mean the gesture to be harsh, but he felt guilty when he saw Steve's hurt expression.

"I'm... sor-"

"No. Don't apologize. I was just surprised. That's all."

"I know. But I shouldn't have... y'know."

"I wasn't bothered by it." Steve stood up and stepped closer to him

"You weren't?"

"No." Another step closer. "I actually liked it." Tony felt his knees almost buckle when he heard Steve's husky voice so close to his ear.

"That's good to know." Now it was Tony's turn to step closer. There was almost no room in between them. Tony's mind swam as he felt Steve breath on his lips. He wanted to kiss him again. But he also wanted to linger in this moment. The calm before the storm. He wanted to stay in the heat of Steve's chest against his arc reactor.

Steve, however, was less patient in this moment. He leaned his head in and their mouths met. It was hot and slightly messy. It was so perfect. They fit together just right. The kiss felt grounded and real.

They pulled away from each other gracefully. Tony brushed his thumb against Steve's cheek as he peered into his blue eyes. He smiled. He couldn't remember the last time he smiled like that because of Steve. Steve smiled, too, because he was thinking the same thing.

Steve spoke. "Stark."

"Cap."

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I might make a different version of this fic because after looking at some discussions about Tony's character and CA:CW, I don't really like how I wrote Tony. So I won't delete this, but I might rewrite it. I'm also not super happy w the ending but I'm too lazy to change it so whatever I hoped you enjoyed anyways


End file.
